El camarero (The waiter)

The lesser-spotted camarero madrileño. Habitat: behind the bar, back infallibly turned. Temperament: naturally reticent but easily provoked.

Love him or hate him, the average Spanish waiter will probably never leave you indifferent. I’ve come across all sorts so far in my first week, from the classic bow-tie-wearing scowlers to the over-chatty types, eager to talk about the football, the weather, declining standards in dress sense, the colour of the pavement. The smarter bars with a younger clientele often have younger waiters to match. This is not to say these will be any friendlier than their older counterparts, but in general they tend to be more attentive.

The stereotypical madrileño bar or café has older waiters squeezed into white jackets and bow ties, drifting between the tables and practising the remarkable art of seeing everything and nothing at once. I went to one of these last weekend – El Café Comercial – mainly because the Lonely Planet guide told me it was worth a look.

It’s a grand old place stuffed full of brown leather benches, marble columns and smartly-dressed folk. My experience was what we might typically call ‘authentic’, and should ring a few bells for many of my fellow twentysomething year-abroaders - a typical example of the daily confrontation with awkwardness that is ‘life on the year abroad’.

Arrive. Push wrong door (it was a ‘pull’, not a ‘push’). Succeed with other door, fumble to remove sunglasses in the marble obscurity that lies within. Wait awkwardly for several moments before deciding to take up a table yourself.

Wait awkwardly for waiter to come over. Wait a LONG time. Discover should have waited to be seated. More awkwardness. Order coffee and ask about wifi. Wish you’d asked about food, too.

Waiter brings coffee and wifi code. Log-in to wifi. Discover it’s slow. Look at bill, casually tucked under coffee cup. Discover you’re being charged for the aforementioned slow wifi. Cheeky.

Wifi runs out in two hours... this means ordering overpriced food to make it worth it. Requires further awkward conversation with waiter. Fail to attract waiter’s attention. Sit waiting for google to load.

Coffee drunk... google still loading. Waiter nowhere in sight.

American theatre producer George S. Kaufman perhaps put it best. “Epitaph for a waiter: God finally caught his eye.”

Spanish of the Day

morirse de hambre - to starve to death

ponerse como una vaca - to put on weight (literally: to make yourself look like a cow)